Assalamu Alaikom..
I consider this topic to be important today.
Right now.
The relationship between a man and a woman.
Specifically,
A Husband
and
A Wife
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It is a time of my life when most of my friends are either newly married, about to get married or are married for a very few years. I'm married for over one and a half year now, as well.
I've met some of them or spoken to some of them at some ocations. We've just been catching up on each others news, and I've started to notice that whenenever there is a talk about marriage, wives had certain things in common. - Feeling the urge to be recognized as a woman.
Now I don't see anything wrong with such an urge, but what I do question is; why does that urge exist if you are a muslima? Why does it exist when we know that Islam was a gift to women in specific? To higher them and to value them like no one has ever valued them before? - I'm speaking to Muslimas in specific.
"I can let days pass where I don't talk to my husband until he apologizes, because we both know that he was the one who was wrong!"
This is a typical sentence that I've heard over and over again. Communication isn't always what it is supposed to be between two married couple. And misunderstandings can appear. Feeling misunderstood or blamed for something that you did not intentionally do can hurt really, really bad, but what hurts more if you do not put a stop to it. So, what do we have to lose if we approach our husbands, caress them gently (proving that we feel their pain at that moment) and we just apologies? I can answer that question- We have lost NOTHING. Opposed to it! We have gained so much else.
1. His Respect
2. His Trust
3. His compassion
4. His apology
5. Him being careful and considered of YOUR feelings.
But, we are raised in a world where feminism is bursting out of ever corner. We are taught to fight for our female rights, as if we don't all ready have them. As if Allah swt didn't all ready give them to us back then when this world wasn't able to differentiate between a woman and poison! We keep running around shouting "I am not oppressed", well if you aren't oppressed then stop acting like you are, and stop putting your gender before your marriage. You won't become less woman if you give in to kindness and forgiveness.
I am not saying that women are always wrong and men are always right. Both partners can make mistakes as we are but only human beings. But, our focus should not be on the mistakes themselves, rather on the solution.
a) Cooling down is one very important thing. There's a very famous saying which I believe that every single person on this planet has heard about, and that is: "Don't add more coal to the fire" and "You can not turn off fire with fire". So, as our Lord Allah swt The All Mighty and The All Wise advices us to do, we should either leave the place/room where the argument is happening. Lay down if you are standing or sit down. Take wudu (ablution) in order to cool yourself. If you need to cool down for 2 hours, so be it. A discussion never remains just a discussion when a person is heated up in anger.
b) Patience is the key to all problems. Oh, YES, I know it hurts deep inside when your tongue has so many words on it's tip and you are pressing those lips together in order to imprison your frustration and opinions. What really hurts is your ego. Your arrogance, because your need to be right, and heard. It is your NAFS. This is a great way of breaking it. Once you've broken through your Nafs, you'll experience that next time an argument occurs, you will have a lot more patience, and you will be able to solve the issue with a fresh and calm heart. - No one get's hurt.
c) This is a fact (go ahead and research about it, or ask your own husband), that men do not feel attacked by women who shout and yell at them. Allah swt created the woman with a soft voice. A voice which is calming, and relaxing. A voice which she uses when she comforts her children and her husband. When she raises her kids and talks to the hearts of others. While the man's voice is deep and rougher as he needs to use it for other purposes, such as creating stability and order at work, and during protection of his family.
[30:21] Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves,
in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed
in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient
proofs for people who think.
Qur'an [25:74] And they say, "Our Lord, let our spouses and children be a source
of joy for us, and keep us in the forefront of the righteous."
Personal note:
I know that many of you will misunderstand and comment: "Well some women work too", or " men should also participate in raising children, not only women". And I agree with you, I did not say that ONLY women do such and such, and ONLY men do such and such. Please focus on the text that I have actually written and not the assumptions which you are creating in your own mind (if so).
Allah swt created us differently for a reason. We are different mentally, emotionally and physically. No one on earth can argue against proven (scientific and biological) facts, so let's not get into the "gender-eguality-dilemma-discussion".
A man is created with an ego which he needs to poses in order to put himself into a situation where he has to be the head of the house.( I am not speaking of selfishness and hierarchy, I'm speaking of him needing to be the protector of the family that he has, just like a king has to protect his country and take responsibility). Where he needs to take care of, not only you as his wife and kids, but also his own parents and siblings (if they need help). Economical support (note that in Islam a woman is freed from these responsibilities unless there's a special case)*. Allah swt has put a lot of responsibility and pressure on your husband's shoulders and Allah has given this man the qualities, attached to his personality, so that he can fulfill these tasks.
* [4:4] You shall give the women their due dowries, equitably. If they willingly
forfeit anything, then you may accept it; it is rightfully yours.
Being a leader is not necessarily a priority as many people may think out there.
Note:
Dictionary: A leader is a person who rules or guides or inspires others.
So let's admit that most men in normality do have an inbuilt quality to be and feel like leaders.
So, do you yell at a king? Do you lower a president? Do you disobey a leader whom you chose in life to be the protector and helper?- No? Or maybe Yes?
What happens when a husband is lowered? When they are yelled at? - They feel repulsed(by you) and humiliated. You are basically bruising his existence. Wounding his pride. Denying his effort and responsibility. At this point, you can not except to have him understand you and your feelings or needs. You have created a wall between the two of you, thicker than the Chinese great wall!
What follows next? He doesn't see a cute and emotional woman in front of him anymore. He doesn't see a wife in need of being understood.. When you shout and argue, you are no different to him than a man who he argues with at work.You are treated like a man because you act up like a man. He sees no femininity in that personality of yours anymore and he starts highering his voice back at you as the rival that you have shown to be.
But let's say that a wife doesn't higher her voice. Let's say that her husband made a mistake and despite it, she shows kindness and love towards him. Knowing that whatever happened was surely not because he is an evil person. Let's say she approached him with a hug and apologized. Maybe she even let her anger or disappointment out through tears. Wouldn't a husband immediately soften up? Wouldn't he immediately put the whole blame on himself and take her into his arms? - in normal cases, this is what happens.
We fail to recognize each others needs. We fail to put each other before our selves. Is it really all worth the drama? One little apology can open up so many doors of happiness.
Next time you have a misunderstanding he might think twice before he acts up, or before he says something that might hurt your feelings. The memory of how you went in the way for your own feelings to meet his, will always be engraved in his mind.
You both are raising each other up. You are raising your marriage up like it was a baby. When you restrict each other from using a bad language, hieing your voices at each other, calling each other names, showing anger and rage openly, giving in to your anger, from the VERY beginning, you will see how much things will be easier later on.
Putting rules such as:
*We do not talk to each other in a bad way!
*We do not interupt when one of us is talking!
*We do not yell at eachother!
* We do not curse or use a foul language!
*If we have a problem, we find a perfect timing to discuss, instead of bursting out at each other at any time posible.
*We do not keep feelings, of being hurt, a secret.
*We communicate as much as possible in order to avoid misunderstandings.
*We give each other space when one of us isn't feeling well.
*We are positive and tolerant about our differences.
* You are your own person, and I am my own person.
* I take care of you, and you take care of me.
*Our different tasks in life might not be the same, but they are equally valuable.
There is no need to let issues rule a marriage. And it surely does when you let 2-3 days or a whole week pass of YOUR life time, remaining upset with each other. Instead you could have spent that week praying together so that you raise your Eeman. Laughing together, going out, having fun, and just enjoying each others presence when you have the chance..
Words do hurt. And words do stay engraved in the hearts of people. Especially words coming from the person who you are the closest too. Who you are intimate with and the person who promised to take care of you for the rest of his/her life. So better beat yourself up than let a hurtful word come out.
My mother always advised me likewise: "Rather bite your tongue than argue or say something bad". And I don't know if she means it literally but I surely do take it literally. Sometimes there is no other way than to feel the physical pain inside of your mouth, which you prevented from appearing inside your husband's heart.
The
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Whoever believes in God and
the (Day of Judgment) should not hurt his neighbor, should serve his
guest generously and, should say something good or keep quiet."
Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 8, Number 158
Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 8, Number 158
In the end of the day, isn't it Allah swt who we really want to please? Allah swt asked the woman to have patience (also the man). To be humble, pious, gentle, generous and kind. Qualities like arrogance and pride has no space among all of these beautiful words.
So, here is an answer to the main title on this post :)
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